Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
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I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.