Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
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My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
s
oc
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I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?