@heykarlin: Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say "yeah, she left me for Charles Manson."
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@jackiembouvier: I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I'd put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
@withanewname: [seaworld] "Hey what happened to the new guy?" -He tried to have sex with the dolphin in tank 6 "But there's a shark in tan.." -BINGO!
@Renie_Rivas: I've never wanted a mansion. Not because I'm modest- I just don't need more places to lose my keys.
@FuckabillyRex: "Sorry, I have to take this call." "That's a banana. And it's half eaten." *covers banana with hand "I don't tell you how to do business."