Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
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It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
new year update: losing everything but weight
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”