Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
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professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
remember
only for emergencies