GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
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“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.