Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
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Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.