Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
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5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube