@Moldy_Jellybean: Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
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@OverlyManlyMann: Everyday, millions of plants are killed by vegetarians. Help stop the violence. Eat a steak.
@tiffaynay: Burger King employee: what size [drink] would you like? Me (thinking she said 'side'): fries. BK: What? Me: *more forcefully* fries.
@Nawyourecrazy: Headed to a wedding and my guy friends told me to take pics of hot women for them. *selfies*
@MarcusTheToken: My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven't said a word since.