Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
You Might Also Like
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.