Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
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Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I hope they boil the right one.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?