Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
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Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
where do you see yourself in five years?
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.