Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
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“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Ha
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.