GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
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Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture