GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
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No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
I self medicate, therefore you live.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.