GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
You Might Also Like
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.