GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
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Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
#parenting
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.