“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
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Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.