“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
You Might Also Like
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
A tragic love story in two pictures.