Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
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new career option?
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Just say no
Driving in Europe vs Canada
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Kidney stones? Hard pass
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.