Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
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“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
How did we not see this back then?
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Breaking news:
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.