– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
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the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.