My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
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The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Kids, do not try this at home!
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe