The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
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KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
good let them take over I have had enough
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
And they lived apathetically ever after.