*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
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*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Jogging
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.