*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
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doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.