[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
You Might Also Like
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Guy who likes music
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me