[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
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Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.