Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
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Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
A small tragedy.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?