[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
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Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
How to find Kentucky on a map
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?