[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
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I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Tuesday
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.