Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
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[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.