@chinchillasaur: [graduation speech] all of our parents had sex during the same year and i think that's really great
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@chagger73: My ex told me I'd never find another woman like her. nnI don't think she was expecting the high 5 and happy dance I did right after.
@Book_Krazy: *Aquarium GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off...ma'am don't flash the octopus ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
@TheAlexP: [trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet] *updates social media with selfie* Bring food, No weirdos.
@Robert_Beau: CW: The boss said she wanted to see you. Me: That's flattering, but I don't date people from work.