You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
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Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
I hope they boil the right one.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
How to woo a woman
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
I could NOT have put it better myself.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.