How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
You Might Also Like
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
accurate
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
We all have our pet causes.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
fixed it
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.