Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
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In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.