Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
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Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
multitasking lunch
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.