Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
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[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Miscakes
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.