Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
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I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen