Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
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If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess