@BendyBacon: Grammar Tip: When the zombie apocalypse starts I will be using people who write 'would of' instead of 'would have' as human shields.
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@Carmel_Coleman: Your car won't start? Have you tried getting out of it and then getting back into it again? That usually works for my computer.
@aveuaskew: Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a "take charge kind of guy" is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
@david8hughes: [at the pet store] Me: I'd like a baby lizard please [later at home] Me: isn't he cute? Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor