“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
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[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us