My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
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velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
oppen heimer style lol
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”