Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
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If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants