Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
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The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.