Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
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If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.