[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
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Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
idk what this dog had been going through but same
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE