[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
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FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.