[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
You Might Also Like
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
it is time once again
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
#Caturday
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.