grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
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COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
#Caturday
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.