Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
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if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
My five year plan is a meteorite
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.