Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
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You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.