Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
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Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Everything reminds me of my ex
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone